I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
