I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Randomize