he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
