btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
