you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Will exercising make me less horny?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
