sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
