I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
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