I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
