You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
