My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
