I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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