its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She's just so happy...and so naked.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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