I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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