I think I died a long time ago.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
