if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
