Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
