She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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