oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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