Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
