my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
