There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
