I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
