I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
