nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
