after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
