It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
