I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
