She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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