If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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