You just made me feel so damn special
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
