They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
