Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
