I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
