the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
