I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
