Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
