I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
