Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
