So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
