I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Randomize
