She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
