I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
