The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
