420 ftw
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
i've created a new STD.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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