It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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