In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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