Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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