you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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