a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize