Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
