we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
