The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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