I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
