walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
