If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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