Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
