You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
