When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
